I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
