you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
