Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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