he puts the penis in happiness.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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