I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
