I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I love you. Go after that dick
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
