she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
