I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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