I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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