I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
