I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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