True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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