He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
