I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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