I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
