u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
