peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Randomize
