you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
