ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
