Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
