like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
