hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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