just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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