I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
