I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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