1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
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