Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
