I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
