Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
