You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
