I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
