I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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