he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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