worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
