Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
