dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
only if we run a train.
done.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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