He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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