no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
