I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
