He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
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