she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
