I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
