I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
