Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Just fell off a train. Bad.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
