That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Randomize
