When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
