still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
