I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
