i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
