if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
